Have you ever wondered why you don’t feel good enough? Are you wrestling with a lot of insecurity and self-doubt right now but don’t know why? Have you ever wondered where your internalized message of “I’m not good enough” comes from?
Feelings of not being good enough can pop up at any time in your life, but if you are suddenly feeling like you can’t do anything right or that you aren’t worthy, know that you are not alone in feeling like that and there are ways to feel better.
You are not alone!
First of all, you are not alone. These feelings are a lot more common than you think. Most of us have a time in our life when our self-confidence is not up to its best. According to the Independent, eight in ten young adults feel they are not good enough. A study found that people aged 22-38 found themselves under pressure to find love, succeed in their careers, and increasingly felt overwhelmed. The study also found that young people are under immense pressure to “be their best selves”.
What it means to be enough
In a society that puts a great deal of importance on outward success – in the form of possessions, perfect relationships, optimal health, and a successful high-paying career, not to mention everybody posting their highlight reel on social media, it’s easy to get lost thinking that life is a competition and you are getting left behind.
But here’s the thing. You are far more than your external accomplishments. You were born enough and you are still enough today. You are more than the roles you play and you have the capacity to be more than what you’ve been told.
You are enough means that you were made to be you, as you are, on purpose. It is no mistake that you are this person, in this place, at this time. You are enough as you are, mess and all, beautiful and broken, showing up for your life every day. That’s all you have to be and all you have to do. You’re already enough.
You are enough means that you don’t have to strive to become more worthy, more valid, more acceptable, or more loved. You already are all of those things. Being enough is about accepting that you have within yourself whatever is required in order to deal with any situation.
You are enough means that you are allowed to live your life for you, for your benefit and not for others’ convenience. Every decision, regret, and mistake makes you who you are and no matter how much you think you have messed up, it never affects your worth. You are and will always be enough.
What causes the feeling of not being enough?
Feeling inadequate and having low self-worth often stems from deep-rooted issues. It could be from being exposed to people who are critical of you, or you had critical, demanding, or aloof parents or experienced trauma in the past. These situations can lead to hidden core beliefs that are running the show, leaving you feeling like you are not enough.
According to psychology, the feeling of not being good enough is actually not a feeling, rather a thought that is usually coming from our inner critic. This inner critic is operated from the core beliefs we have developed through our experiences in life and can deeply affect every aspect of our lives, including our self-esteem and confidence.
5 ways to help you stop thinking that you’re not good enough
No matter how deep-rooted these experiences and thoughts are, know that you can free yourself from thinking that you’re not good enough. It may take time and effort to unlearn the things you’ve believed about yourself for a long time so first of all give yourself the freedom to learn at your own pace, without judgment.
Here’s how you can start challenging the not-enough mindset in yourself:
Get to know your inner critic
We all have two different voices inside us: one that is the inner cheerleader that really motivates us and soothes us or it can be an inner critic that tells us that we’re not good enough, not smart enough or pretty enough. It’s that nagging voice that tells you that you’ll never be successful or that you’re lazy.
Our self-talk impacts how we feel about ourselves as well as how we behave and is ultimately responsible for our experiences of life and the outcomes that occur because of the actions.
To silence your inner critic you need to separate yourself, your identity from those thoughts. You need to take your power back and stand up to your inner critic.
First of all, you need to be aware of your thoughts and the situations where your inner critic seems to thrive so that you can be prepared when your inner critic is likely to creep up on you. It can also be helpful to give your inner critic a name: “It’s just Beatrice acting up again, she’s trying to convince me that I’m too fat to be a life coach again”.
Now, you can’t really control what thoughts pop into your head. Your “Beatrice” will always be there, but you can control what you give attention and power to. Rather than getting caught up in what your “Beatrice” is telling you ask yourself: Is that really true? What is the evidence for what she’s saying? What would be the opposite? Then flip the thought to something more neutral, positive, grateful, or an affirmation. One example that I used a few weeks ago when I wasn’t feeling quite enough is “There’s no rule that says a life coach can’t be fat, and it has no effect on my knowledge and ability to help others”.
Stop comparing and competing with others
In a world where posting your “life” on social media seems to be the norm and almost expected, it’s easy to be caught up in comparison. You might think the person on the screen has a perfect life but that is rarely the case. We don’t post our worst moments on social media for everybody to watch, that would expose us, right? Behind the screen, we are all just human beings trying to do our best.
We are all different and have different life paths, different unique traits, and talents so no individual can meet every ideal parameter. To find peace, you can aim to stop comparing yourself to others. Trying to live up to impossible standards or other people’s standards only reinforces feelings of not being “good enough”.
When we focus on other people, we lose time that we could otherwise invest in ourselves. We don’t water our own grass by focusing on the neighbour’s garden. So instead of wasting your precious time comparing your unique path to someone else’s, spend it investing, and caring for your own.
If you need to compare yourself with someone, compare yourself with yourself. What can you do to improve your life quality? How are you better today than you were a year ago?
Susan Biali Haas M.D. said in Psychology Today that “if you commit yourself to be deeply grateful for what’s good in your life. and remind yourself of it daily, you’ll be far less vulnerable to comparison and envy.”
Now is the time to look inside yourself and become empowered as your own solution. Your inner experience determines your outer reality and when you begin to embrace whatever shows up inside of you you will begin to realize that there was nothing wrong with you. You are enough, simply because you exist.
Stop trying to fulfill others expectations
When you prioritize others’ expectations of you, it makes you unable to respect your own priorities and needs. It also leaves you always dependent on external validation. Pleasing others is like chasing a moving target. Different people will have different hopes for you and others’ expectations will continually change. Constantly trying to live up to someone else’s hopes and expectations will only leave you confused and frustrated.
Only you know what’s possible for you and your life. Even if other people “know” you, they’re still missing a big piece of the puzzle. What other people think of you will rarely contain the whole truth and at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter. If someone has an opinion of you based on superficialities, that’s on them – not you!
This too will pass
Remind yourself that although feeling not good enough is painful, it doesn’t have to be permanent. Feelings and thoughts come and go all the time and just because you feel not good enough it doesn’t mean that you are not good enough. It only means that you are experiencing that feeling.
If you are aware of your thoughts and feelings then you can exercise choice over what you do right now. Allow the feeling to come, you don’t need to respond to it at all, you just need to accept that it’s just a thought and then come into the present moment so you can choose what you do next.
Celebrate your wins
It’s so easy to forget to stop and take a moment to celebrate your wins. We live in a society where constantly achieving the next thing is revered. You’re always off, moving, pushing forward onto your next goal, your next win, or the next thing on your list. When you don’t take even a moment to acknowledge what you’ve achieved, you teach yourself that achieving your goals isn’t all that important or exciting.
Try to be more mindful of your successes and celebrate even the small wins. Celebrating any achievement, large or small, gives your life and your work meaning. Celebrating your wins is important because it helps with confidence, thinking positively, building momentum and how you view the world. The sense of past accomplishments helps neutralize the feeling of “not good enough”.
Wrapping up
No matter what you have been conditioned to believe know that you are always enough! Inside you is a perfectly capable person who is a tremendous asset in this world. You are truly unique and there is only one of you in all of creation. Never question your value and don’t look to others to validate you. You are here to live your journey, not someone else’s idea of what that journey should be.
This article was originally posted by Stina on www.thekindlifeclub.com
