Hard truths about self-care. it’s about making hard decisions and being honest about what you need to succeed.
There is a pretty big misconception when it comes to self-care and a part of it stems from the fact that the concept of self-care has been partly consumed by the Wellness industry and commercialism. These two industries create fads, trends, and sometimes unrealistic expectations about what self-care looks like.
Phrases like “take care of yourself”, “give yourself time/rest/sleep”, etc. tend to be thrown around, but we rarely talk about the real work it takes to care for yourself. We often feel like in order to take care of ourselves we need to buy that face mask, go to a spa, take that trip to Bali or try to fix ourselves, heal and cure every insecurity and emotion.
In a modern-day world often ruled by social media, self-care can easily turn into creating an Instagram-worthy experience without actually being present to enjoy it or receiving actual benefits from it. It can turn into buying the latest wellness fad, consuming the newest trends, and doing what we think we “should” be doing to care for ourselves.
All these things are great if they feel nourishing, but self-care from a holistic point is not just about making a profit for someone. Real holistic self-care is FREE, easily accessible, personal, and supportive of your unique needs and desires. It’s about tapping into yourself, taking time to get to know the real you, what you really need, and finding ways to give that to yourself.
As you can see, practising self-care is more than just taking a bubble bath or putting on the latest face mask. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to those things but self-care on a deeper level is more about the intent and mindset than the bubbles.
Taking care of yourself also mean doing the mundane things in life like changing your sheets and hoovering your bedroom, it’s not the glamourous ‘Instagrammable’ moment but it is important. It’s also having difficult conversations, ending relationships that don’t work or changing a job that affects your mental health.
Self-care can be hard and it can put a strain on your relationship with others, it can include doing things you don’t necessarily want to do but need to. Let’s dive into 8 hard truths about self-care:
1 You will disappoint some people when you prioritise your self-care
A lot of people who struggle with stress, anxiety or burnout have a hard time setting boundaries. A part of the reason may be a lack of knowledge about what healthy boundary setting actually looks like. Saying no isn’t that hard technically speaking but, the real challenge is how it makes you feel – or more specifically, how you’re afraid to feel about it.
Like any fear, whether it’s fear of public speaking or fear of flying there’s only one way to get over it: You have to face it, repeatedly and willingly.
The only way to replace fear with confidence is to prove to your brain that the thing that’s scaring you is in fact not dangerous. And to do this you will have to willingly put yourself in a situation where you will have to face your fear.
This means that in order to put yourself first you will need to prioritise yourself and get over your fear of disappointing others. Remember, you are not responsible for other people’s emotions and actions. You can’t be held responsible for things you can’t control. To put it simply, other people’s emotions are their responsibility, not yours.
2 Your boundaries will scare some people away. It’s ok. Let them go.
As you begin asserting boundaries you might start to experience changes in the people around you. People who care about you will either adapt and try to change how they treat you, or, sometimes, they will leave when they see they cannot get what they want out of you.
Remember, boundaries are a healthy form of self-care. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Setting boundaries can also benefit those around you. And while in some cases setting boundaries can help you drive away unhealthy relationships, it can also strengthen healthy relationships. Things run more smoothly when expectations are clear and others feel respected when you communicate your needs and expectations clearly.
3 You might not feel like doing it
It’s important to remember that self-care is not just about making you feel good in the moment. Sure, bubble baths and candle lights are nice and comforting but self-care serves a much greater and deeper purpose than providing a momentary bliss.
Self-care often means doing what you don’t feel like doing in the present moment to benefit future you.
The term ‘self-care’ has become a buzzword recently, featuring heavily in the dialogue surrounding mental health and self-love. For some people seeing this bubblegum version of self-care displayed in the media can be damaging. It can compromise their view on their own self-care rituals, which for someone in a particularly difficult mental state, might be as simple as getting dressed in the morning.
Self-care is about considering your needs, knowing what you need in order to take care of yourself, and giving yourself the time and place to do so. It means reflecting on the sources of any stress, unhappiness or other negative emotions and identifying methods to minimise these in the long term.
Self-care isn’t one specific activity or even a set of activities. It’s a mindset and a combination of many different practices. Built upon many layers and angles. There are key habits, our basic needs, like eating nourishing food, getting enough sleep, moving your body, taking care of your home and your career. And although we all share the same basic needs our upbringing and our circumstances make each of us different.
Often the biggest drivers of change in a person’s life are born out of uncomfortable decisions, tough conversations, and actions that at first may cause upset. This may include saying ‘no’ to a loved one, leaving a relationship, and asserting boundaries.
4 Don’t neglect yourself taking care of someone else.
You don’t owe anyone your time, a quick text back, or emotional support when you need to be giving it to yourself first. Neglecting yourself to take care of somebody else may seem like an act of love. But giving from a place of emptiness only leads to resentment. Towards the other person, and eventually yourself.
Putting yourself first is not as selfish as it may sound. It doesn’t mean doing what you want to do all the time. It doesn’t mean ignoring the needs of others. It’s all a matter of priorities and understanding the interplay between taking care of yourself and others.
There’s a reason why on aeroplanes you put the oxygen mask on yourself first. It’s because you wouldn’t be able to help anyone else if you are already passed out. The same goes for your self-care. In order to take care of others around you, you need to take care of yourself first.
5 Self-care is an ongoing and active process
Just like exercising or fuelling your car’s fuel tank, self-care isn’t something you do just once and check off on your to-do list. It’s an ongoing process. Some weeks it might be easy and other weeks it might be difficult. As your life changes, so will your self-care needs.
Check in with yourself regularly and review your self-care rituals. Are they benefitting you at this time in your life? You might need different things at different times in your life. If you are going through a difficult time you might need to add more support to your self-care plan. If you are having health issues you might need to pay your GP a visit. That’s self-care too!
6 You do not need to earn self-care
Self-care is a basic human right. You do not need to have worked a full, productive day, be on the brink of burnout, or tick of helping others in order to give yourself some care. Engaging in a self-care routine has been clinically proven to reduce or eliminate anxiety and depression, reduce stress, improve concentration, minimize frustration and anger, increase happiness, improve energy and more.
Alyssa F. Westring has studied self-care for nearly two decades. She talks about people who want to take better care of themselves but can’t seem to find the time to do it. It always falls to the bottom of their to-do list. In her research with organisational psychologist Stew Friedman they found that most people operate with a trade-off mentality (i.e., “if I want to perform better ad work, I need to take time away from something else”). This mindset is ingrained in the way we’re taught to view the different parts of life from a young age – even the notion of work-life balance is frequently represented as a scale with work on one side and the rest of life on the other. And while there are limits to your time, this mindset often stops you from making positive changes.
Self-care is a part of your everyday life. It’s the choices you make about your food, about your exercise, about who you spend your time with and what you spend your time doing. It’s even integrated into your work life.
7 Self-care means being honest with yourself, especially when the truth is hard to admit
This is maybe the hardest one to come to terms with. We often tell ourselves that things will turn out the way they are supposed to or things will be okay. Take a close look at your achievements and ask yourself if they just happened or did you work hard for them? Be proud of the things you’ve achieved and be proud of putting yourself first.
Honesty also goes both ways, you have to be honest about your achievements and take credit where it’s due and you also have to accept your weaknesses and flaws. You may know what some of those are. You may know what you are capable of and what you aren’t capable of. With enough self-knowledge, people’s judgements about you can become less important.
If you adopt the habit of being honest you will have better clarity about the things you want in life. People may dictate your priorities for you, but you can be honest about your needs, your wishes, and your priorities with yourself, at least. With more clarity, you’ll be able to put in more effort and dedication to achieve what you wish for.
8 Self-care is hardest when you need it most.
Sometimes you may feel like you don’t deserve it, or you just don’t have enough time in the day. Make that time because you are worthy for just being you. Quit being hard on yourself or holding yourself to such high standards that are impossible to achieve. You deserve to be taken care of and that care must come from you. It’s no one else’s responsibility to care for you, just as it is not your responsibility to care for others. Remember, self-care is about loving yourself enough to know you are worth your own time.
